Satan, then and now...

I’ve been thinking about fear lately.

When I raised my children, I was careful what I exposed them to. This is what a good parent does. My oldest suddenly began having nightmares and I figured out it was from Ursula in Disney’s Little Mermaid. She was sensitive. As I look back now, I realize I added to their fears and nightmares with what I taught them about God, Satan and the evils of the world.

My childhood was even more intense.

Yesterday I put my hand into our garbage disposal trying to fish out a piece of plastic. It had accidentally fallen in. At that moment, I had a flashback of a comic book I read as a child. I do not remember who gave it to me or how old I was. In the episode of that comic book, a young person was reaching into the garbage disposal when it suddenly turned on and the person almost had their hand ground up. It was frightening. Why did the disposal suddenly turn on? Satan and his demons were the answer!

In general terms, the comic book was about being a Christian and how Satan and his demons are out to destroy them. I was a Christian growing up in a Christian home. Looking back now, it felt as if we spoke about Satan and his demons more than we did about God in our home. As a child, I lived in fear. Fear of Satan. Fear of his demons. Fear of becoming possessed. Fear of bringing demons into my home somehow, having them oppress me and becoming possessed. All of this was fed to me and taught to me by my mother and our church. It is still taught today. I do not blame my mother. This was how she was taught too.

Generally, Satan is understood as a fallen angel, who is a powerful entity roaming the earth seeking whom he can devour. His demons are his minions. Christians, who hold the only truth, are his main target. He knows he is going to lose in the end, as the book of Revelation reveals. (based on the interpretation) Basically, he’s raging and wreaking as much havoc as possible.

As a child and on into my adulthood, I believed if something bad happened, like a tragedy or simply stubbing a toe, Satan caused it. After all, he hates Christians and will do anything to harm them. As a child, I would go lie alone on my bed at night, in my dark room, careful to position myself in the very middle of my bed. The covers pulled up over my head, I chanted: “I claim the blood of Jesus. I claim the blood of Jesus.” The repetition was a means to protect myself. The “blood of Jesus” were magic words.

Fear ruled my life. I learned to be anxious, not to trust or be open, plus Satan was everywhere, around every corner ready to pounce. In my child’s mind, God was anemic, because Satan ran around with all the power. Added to this was the fear of displeasing God, sinning, doing wrong and being sent to hell which was eternal damnation. It was depicted as a fiery pit of eternal tortured separation from God for anyone who did not believe or was considered evil.

I absorbed these teachings. God had to be pleased by living morally. Satan was around every corner ready to destroy me. This set me up for years of anxiousness and fear subconsciously and consciously.

I mean, it sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Like a fantasy story or something!

From my recent work with depth psychology, I’ve learned this kind of teaching causes trauma to a child. Children are unable to really process it, especially if they are left alone with it as I was. There was no way of understanding it’s meaning. A child cannot understand metaphor, or narratives or deeper meaning. It is all taken literally.

Trauma, all trauma gets stored in the body and my nervous system was impacted. Of course I carried it into my adulthood. I had to be the most morally perfect wife and mother. I truly believed all I had to do was follow this formula specified by God (raise my children Christian, homeschool them, work in ministry, save as many souls as possible), and I would ward off Satan and God would be pleased with me saving me from hell.

Then tragedy hit: the diagnosis of cancer in my four year old.

That’s when I realized this “worldview” did not work anymore. I began years of questioning, inner work and educating myself on church history, the mystics and varying theologies. Centering Prayer actually opened up my ability to experience God along with the work I was doing with my spiritual director and the depth psychologist.

Now, I see evil and Satan in the systems we create as humans. The kind of systems that oppress others, especially the least of these. I see Satan and evil in the wars we create, the labeling of immigrants or anyone we do not understand as criminals, not welcoming the stranger, the death penalty, the destruction of our earth and on and on. An interesting quote from Richard Rohr says: “Any institution that becomes too big to fail becomes Satanic.”

Responsibility is key. Each and everyone of us is capable of great good and great evil. Each of us has the capacity to be satanic in our actions/deeds. Another very powerful childhood memory, was of me joining in with the neighborhood kids to taunt and tease Jeffry. He was an odd behaving boy, who wore high-water pants and was the neighborhood scapegoat. Looking back now, he probably was autistic. To my utter shame, as we taunted him one day, I threw the dart I had in my hand at him and it stuck in his ankle.

I.Will.Never.Forget.That.Moment.

He stood there, in utter terror and I was horrified at what I was capable of doing to another human being. That moment changed me in a way I did not understand at the time. I realized how I could be a perpetrator. I could inflict horror, pain and terror on an innocent marginalized person.

Me! I am capable of this!

This moment, plus other moments of injustice in my family of origin opened me to an awareness of my responsibility in healing myself, my actions, my heart, my stance in life. I am for human flourishing of all peoples and if I am capable of “satanic” energy aka: violence, oppression, injustice, then it starts with me.

This work can be done and is our responsibility as human beings with God’s Grace.