Mystery...

When I was in my forties, living in our home on Millen Street, my life was full raising four daughters.

They shared one room on the downstairs floor. My husband and I slept in the large master bedroom upstairs. 

I spent my busy days cooking, cleaning, home educating, managing the household, planning field trips, sports and activities, keeping the yard nice, and supporting my husband in his work.

I believed this was what a “good wife” did, because that is what I had been taught by my upbringing and church.

They were good years, but I had not yet woken up to Myself.

My heart was full and in my view of the world in that moment, I was living a righteous, holy life. A life that pleased God. I knew how to “perform” well, how to “do” and “say” all the right things to fit in with my tribe. 

I was a human “doing” and had not yet understood how to “be”.

One night, I was stirred awake from a deep, dreamless sleep. I opened my eyes, hovering in that liminal space of just waking. 

Golden Light Enveloped My Room. 

(There are no words I can type here that adequately describe this experience.)

I looked around in awe, as the warm, golden light permeated and saturated every thing. Intense love and peace surrounded me.

It was surreal. I was not afraid.

I nudged my husband to ask if he was experiencing the same thing. 

“Yes” he mumbled as he rolled over and fell back asleep. In the morning, he had no memory of the event or of my nudge.

I lie there barely breathing, taking it all in, my heart singing, until a thought invaded my mind. 

“I have so much to do tomorrow. I need to go back to sleep.  If I do not get enough sleep, I will not be able to function.” 

And so I did. 

I ignored the light, squeezed my eyes shut and rolled over worried about all the responsibilities weighing me down in the morning.

I regret that moment. 

I regret listening to myself, my logic and reason. I regret my fear of not “performing” perfectly if I woke up tired and exhausted the next day. 

I regret all my years of being overly responsible, trying to achieve perfection as a mother, wife and home educator.  

But, I also give my forty-something self GRACE. I remember I was doing the best I could with who I was and what I believed and understood at that time. GRACE. I am gentle with my forty-something self.

Today, the Mystery of that moment fills me with childlike wonder. 

What was this phenomena?

What did it mean?

Why did I experience it?

Even now, as I write these words, I acknowledge I am trying to reason and make sense of Mystery. I am trying to find logic in something that is not logical. 

It is as fruitless as trying to put the whole of the ocean into a thimble.

It is as silly as trying to pin down the Divine. 

However; I now see that the Golden Glory I experienced came at a time of the unfolding of my life, when I was on the edge of being cracked open. I was not aware of it, but it was just before I entered into burnout and disillusionment. 

I was also standing at the threshold of a new baby, which opened the way to family trauma and grief, which would shift my life path. The deconstruction of every thing I thought and believed about Reality and Spiritually was just on the horizon. 

I think of it now as my own personal Pentecost, a giving of God Energy, which filled my room revealing, as Mystic Julian of Norwich said “All shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well.” 

My heart opened. Every cell of my body absorbed Divine Light even as I turned to sleep again. Even as I chose to listen to my fear, something happened.

Now as I practice welcoming Presence, I may not experience warm, golden light, but the undercurrent of it is there, surrounding me, enveloping me, loving me. 

Sometimes, the undercurrent is there as I simply breathe in and breathe out.

I am in God. God is in me. 

Or as I watch the clouds dance across an azure sky, or I feel it as the wind whispers through the shimmering leaves of birch trees. It is there as I peer into my grandson’s deep blue eyes.

Living Presence. 

That grand surreal moment of Mystery infused me with the desire for Being. 

Mystery…