Shiny Happy People -The Duggar Family Secret
#5 Our Deepest Wound Is Our Healing Work In The World
Warning: My story contains rape. Be kind to yourself.
I recently spent the weekend taking in the Amazon Prime Video 4 part documentary Shiny Happy People- The Duggar Family Secret.
Back in the day, I circled on the edge of this world as I raised my 4 daughters.
It’s about the Duggar Family and their TLC reality show “19 Kids And Counting”. Plus the tie in with Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP) & (ATI) Advanced Training Institute International, founded and led by Bill Gothard.
I highly recommend watching this show.
Living on the edge of a cult doesn’t make you immune, a lot still bleeds over. Many of the implicit and explicit teachings and messages become internalized. Many of my friends loved the show. Some of my friends were actively involved in IBLP & ATI. Some of them gave me their IBLP booklets.
To my utter shame, I used one of the booklets about marriage to encourage my own mother to stay in her abusive marriage. I was steeped in the indoctrination that trickled inward as I attended many Christian homeschool conferences.
Tia Levings, a survivor who was highlighted in the documentary was also interviewed n the podcast A Little Bit Culty: Shiny Happy Wife on June 11, 2023. Bill Gothard, Michael Pearle, Vision Forum, Doug Wilson and others in the documentary or mentioned on the podcast by Tia were always floating around the Christian homeschool world and the conferences I attended.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
One day my mother came to visit. Ironically, she was the person who got me into homeschooling in the first place. She had seen this ‘shiny happy family’ with well behaved children at the grocery store. She stopped to ask the mother, how it was that her children were so well behaved and seemed to love each other. The woman told her they homeschooled. Upon hearing the story from my mother, I dove in deep.
My oldest was born extremely premature. She was a 24 week gestational age baby born by emergency c-section in 1987. She weighed 760 grams. That’s about 1.5 pounds. Her life is miraculous, though at the time, I was buried under the shameful belief that God was punishing me. (That’s a story for another time) She was developmentally delayed due to her prematurity, so homeschooling seemed like a good idea. Once I got going, and as each baby came, it became our lifestyle.
Fast forward, to 3 more children and a complete buy in to Christian homeschooling. One day, my mother came to me really searching for wisdom for her life. Deeply hurting, her marriage had never been good. In fact, today we would call it abusive. Emotionally, spiritually and sometimes physically. (If you haven’t already, please read my other blogs about my parents and my childhood)
A friend had just given me IBLP’s booklet on marriage. Not knowing what to do, Not believing anything other than divorce is a sin, Not understanding or knowing what abuse looked like or felt like; I handed her the booklet as an answer to her deep questions. She read it. She believed it. My mother never left my father. She stayed married for 52 years until her death at age 72 in 2012.
I’ve had to grieve my part in this. I’ve had to accept my complicancy in cult teaching. I’ve wept many, many tears.
During those homeschool years, I thought I was doing the best for my children. I sent my oldest 2 children to some of IBLP’s political camps: Teen Pact & Worldview Academy.
I deeply regret these decisions as a parent and as a daughter.
My mother and I never spoke of any of this, as we were both still deeply immersed in indoctrination up to her death. Not even on her deathbed, did an inkling of truth come through. Thankfully, over many years, my daughter’s and I have spoken at length about the harm done. I am beyond grateful for our beautiful, honest relationships today.
I’ve been deconstructing much of what I was given in my childhood home as well as what I allowed myself to believe as a young homeschooling mother. My desire was for a better world for my children.
Now I see clearly what it’s all about: control and domination.
I am not bashing homeschooling. There were some wonderful outcomes for my children: fostering creativity, love of nature, learning how to learn and the love of learning. However; the indoctrination was damaging.
Before anyone judges another, please be aware how easy it is to fall into high control groups, ideologies and religions. They tell you they have answers and formulas that will produce specific outcomes. People feel safe. The world is explained in simple understandable terms.
There’s no room for Mystery nor Uncertainty. Fear Rules.
When the Duggar show started in 2008, my son was 4 years deep in his cancer treatment. (That’s a story for another time) His cancer diagnosis was the catalyst for my slow transformation. When “19 Kids and Counting” became uber popular, I recoiled. I knew one day the whole family would fall off of their pedestal. I knew the traumatized Duggar children would pay a heavy price.
Sadly, I was right.