Contemplative Healing... — The Contemplative Space

Recently, I posted the image below on Instagram along with my story of a healing moment during yoga and prayer. A friend commented and asked “How did you/where did you learn to open yourself that way?”

WHAT A GREAT QUESTION, I thought.

And how would I explain this journey toward contemplative wholeness? Essentially, how did I get here to these practices I call mine? And so I sat with the questions.

Of course, there is no formula or steps of 1-2-3 that guarantee a desired outcome. This is, after all, contemplation, mystery, even mystical at best. I am, by no means an expert, only a pilgrim like you on a journey. Each human-being, it seems to me, is on a wholeness quest, whether they are aware of it or not. Many are not. It is universal and when sought out, a lifelong endeavor.

I will attempt to share my journey here, starting with where I have been, which has led me to this place, where I am now. I hope to bring some understanding to my friend’s question as well as my own.

It started with getting married and having five children as a way of creating the family I felt I missed out on as a child. My desire was for a family full of love and laughter, where each member was there for the other. A family where every person had their own identity and way of being in the world and were fully accepted. This was a deep unconscious drive that I only became aware of around age 50.

Age has softened me.

A profound, tragic life event in 2004, created a fissure that challenged my spiritual beliefs. Many of the lenses I wore from which to view the world, God, and humanity began to fog and were suddenly gouged with deep scratches that no longer allowed me to see clearly. My belief system did not work anymore. What followed was a decade long search full of questions, anger, grief, and struggle.

Side note: If you find yourself in such a place right now, I encourage you to embrace it. Do not back down from it, even though it feels so frightening. If you throw out everything you thought you believed in, the earth will not open up and swallow you. I promise. It is a necessary part of the journey. You may eventually find yourself accepting those old beliefs again, but in a new, wider more expansive way. That has been my discovery.

Next in 2014, I met my Spiritual Director. I experienced a deep inner healing during my first session. Once again, this was a wound I was unaware I carried. From there I began to learn to practice Centering Prayer, which is a Christian form of silent prayer, similar to some meditations. At its core, it is a practice of “Letting Go”. As I sit in silence, surrounded by Living Presence / Love, I let go of each thought that comes up. This is a lifelong practice starting with when I sit, which then naturally flows out into my daily life. This taught me to begin to trust.

Side note: If you’d like to know more about Centering Prayer read the monks: Thomas Keating and Thomas Merton. They brought this ancient Eastern Christian practice to the west from the Desert Mothers and Fathers.

I have always been a physically active person and I discovered I need movement or embodiment in my practices as well. I love to walk and hike. Just being in nature feeds my Soul. Then I began to attend yoga classes where I learned to become embodied. We in our Western culture have long been separated from our bodies. We have been taught our bodies are bad. And yet, here we are souls walking around in human flesh for this time on earth. Yoga taught me to connect with myself, to be in my body, to breath, to go inward.

I began to start my yoga practice with the intention of opening my heart, of surrendering to the Divine. I approach yoga as my prayer time. So I physically started each practice in a heart opener position. Typically, before class began, I take a few moments to lie on my back with a block under my chest, pushing my heart upward. This helps me connect with my intent: to be open, to listen, to allow whatever comes up.

Yoga teaches that the mind, heart and body are connected. And the scientific world is beginning to agree. The book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk showed me how much of the trauma I have experienced in life has impacted me physically, emotionally and spiritually and how important it is to move towards healing.

This knowledge, plus my intuitive knowing has led to a deep desire to act and live in such a way as to allow healing in myself as well as in others.

Then in 2018, I enrolled in the Living School through the Center for Action and Contemplation founded by Father Richard Rohr. This two year, unaccredited program required a commitment to a regular centering practice and much reading and lectures from various ancient and current Christian mystics. This school impacts its students in deep ways that I describe as undercurrents. In other words, the work is very interior. We are also supported by small communities of us students (circle groups) and meet twice monthly via Zoom. My Circle Group is key. It is my community.

From my readings and lectures, plus my Circle Group, I began to learn to live, breath and have my being in the world in a contemplative stance. This means I attempt to walk around open, curious, letting go of judgement and trusting the Divine, Love, Presence, Silence, the Universe, God, the Great Spirit, Trinity…whatever you choose to call it. In this stance I am grounded in Deep Silence, Deep Love, and Deep Listening.

If we hold trauma in our bodies, and if we have physical bodies, spiritual bodies and emotional bodies and they are all connected, then it stands to reason that as we move in yoga or hiking, dancing, walking and ground ourselves in love and allow ourselves to be open, certain “issues”, “wounds”, or “faulty narratives” will surface.

What do we do when this happens?

I remember the first time, I had a traumatic PTSD moment arise in my yoga class. My instinct was to run, to get out of there as fast as I could. But a part of me, that trusting part, told me God was at work here. Healing was possible as my pain was just now peaking out for a glimpse. Why not bring it fully out into the open?

And so I did. I continued practicing with tears streaming down my face. I noticed the flashbacks and pictures that popped into my mind. And I reassured myself I was in a safe place, surrounded by Love. Deep work was happening. I knew this was a sacred, holy moment and I embraced it. I trusted the moment.

Afterward, I spoke to the instructor. She was someone I trusted, someone who was affirming, loving and encouraging.

I have had moments in my centering practice, while working with my spiritual director, as well as during yoga class when “stuff” popped up. Suddenly, it faced me directly, this hidden part of me that I had tried so hard to ignore, push down, stifle, or erase. Like a frightened rabbit, I coax it out into fresh air.

Please know this is not a frequent event, but one that arises when needed. It is slow gentle and loving work.

If it happens to you:

Allow it.

Surrender to it.

Embrace it.

Allow it to transform you.

If you get stuck in the emotion or trauma, as I have, go to your spiritual director, a safe friend, your yoga instructor, or your therapist. They will help get you unstuck. It is very important to have such people in your life. We are made for community.

It has been my experience that healing comes with an open hearted intention, a feeling of safety in my environment, a trust in Living Presence, and continued regular, daily practices. Even when it feels as if nothing is happening, keep practicing.

Deep undercurrents are at work.